Harry Potter and the Kringle Connection

This isn't fan fiction. This is the record and exploration of a most delightful idea, which is that Harry Potter and his structured magical universe make a far more believable and understandable explanation of the origin of under-tree gifts than does a one Santa Claus. We'll be looking to suggest some theories as to how the Boy Who Lived might accomplish the same feats as our inexplicable St. Nick.


Dear Santa,

I intend neither disrespect nor doubt of yourself or your methods. It's just that you don't tell us exactly how you work. We know you can see us when we're sleeping and you do have a pretty accurate method of determining our morality on an annual basis, but as far as I know, your magic has no limits. That's scary.

My proposal of an alternate theory of spontaneous gift arrival will give comfort to those who believe you may eventually go sour with your infinite power. The weak-hearted will take courage, fear's hold will diminish a little. Yes, they may end up believing in a completely fictional character and never come to know of the true giver of gifts, but I know you'll love them regardless.

So please don't take offense. You're great and I'm a huge fan (I'd like a new soldering iron base station with adjustable heat so I can fix the stuff I need, thanks!). Good luck on the big day this year! Be careful around Tim Allen's house and give my regards to the Ice Road Truckers on your way down.

Yours truly,

BdG


I'll exhibit my thoughts in chronological fashion. Annual holidays create a loop-like perception of time. Let's begin at what I'll call the beginning of the loop, just after Christmas when the hard work for next year begins, or if they work on a surplus system as would make sense with growing rate of population, the hard work for 20 years ahead begins. There are toys to be made and meticulous nice-and-naughty records to be kept. We'll start with the galleons.

Currency is important, even in the wizard's world. No problem for prosperous Potter, who was unknowingly born rich. Plus he could easily rake in the dough with short endorsements, smart investments, and re-enactments of David Blaine Street Magic on London sidewalks. What will he do with his money?

Similar to Santa's traditional choice of elves is Potter's employment of liberated house elves, all working hard under the pay of the man who inspired them to freedom with his liberation of Dobby. House elves have some handy use of magic and feel ethically responsible to be doing some kind of work. They'll be happy doing monotonous tasks for their kind master who will be bringing joy to millions of children.

Magical gifts cannot be permitted to be given to Muggles, but for the wizarding sort I'm sure the Weasley twins (er, twin) would be more than happy to chip in novelty items. Harry's popularity is also sure to have swayed him easy favors from other magical big business gurus wishing to associate their name with Voldemort's nemesis. That throws Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Chocolate Frogs, and dementor-recovery chocolate surprise assortments into the mix. And don't forget autographed pictures which due to the popularity of the book series, magics and muggles alike would appreciate kindly (non-moving pictures for us regular folk).

The minute you wake up on Christmas morning, you're already being evaluated for next year's gift count. You pushed your sister over just to get to the tree faster? Bad move dude. Especially on Christmas, where you earn double negative points for mischief. But really, how does he know? A slight modification to the Ministry of Magic's underage magic detection makes it possible to keep tabs on the goods and bads of kids all over the world. It's fully automated. I just hope they've worked out all the bugs, you know, ones that cause them to mistake magic being done near an underage magician by a house elf as being committed by the underage magician. I don't want to be punished for my wife's faults, not that she has any.

Now for the fun stuff. The big night comes. Harry Potter's means are many for transporting gifts. For instance, he may make a few deliveries using his trusty broom. Classic. He simply uses a shrinking spell on himself to get down the chimney (or enlarges the chimney). No chimney? He apperates. Or for the large majority of the wizarding world with their fireplaces connected, floo powder!

How can he do all this in one night? Remember Hermione's hourglass? Also, he has lots of helpers, you know, people he can count on. Why doesn't anyone see him? Invisibility cloak. How can it be Harry Potter when he would have to be over 300 years old (preemptive question)? He says he handed over the entire philosopher's stone, but maybe not.

I'm sure there are more questions you may have and I'm sure they can be as easily answered as the above. Harry Potter stands as a competent stand-in for the Claus. Only time will tell if he is really and truly up to the job. Will my children be leaving out treacle tarts on Christmas Eve? Perhaps. Maybe alongside some milk and cookies.